I am privileged. I have something that not everyone has. I acknowledge and appreciate that. It doesn’t make me better than anyone and it’s not really all that rare. But even though it’s not rare, I am “it” to only two people on this planet. Just like anything in our lives, it has it’s ups and downs, it’s good and bad. But the good so outweighs the bad, it’s no doubt one of the top two roles in my life. It’s something I cherish and it’s something that can bring me to my knees at the same time. And in a world where we work more than we play and we pay bills and buy groceries and have so much responsibility, it is the single most important thing I do everyday. You probably know where I’m going just by reading the title but “it” is being a father.
To set the record straight right off the bat, I understand that a mother has her role as well. Sometimes there is just mom and sometimes there is just dad. To all of those people, you have my respect for doing it alone. It’s not easy and I’m thankful and fortunate that I don’t have to do it alone. I’ve also only been through 9 years of it so far but it’s been a whirlwind learning experience.
I like to think that I’ve always been good with kids. I’ve had little cousins and kids of friends but being good with kids for a couple of hours is not the same as being a parent 24/7. That’s a hard reality that hits you on night number 1. And if you’re like me, that first night is one of the toughest nights of your life. You’re already tired and wired at the same time because of the major event that has taken place. Then you realize that your wife’s tank is totally empty. I placed the crib on my side of the bed to try and let Alicia get as much rest as possible but to also be able to constantly check on Bailey as she slept. When I say constantly, I mean every 5 minutes or so. I didn’t sleep a wink that first night we were home.That’s when it starts to sink in. There is a living, breathing tiny human being that is your responsibility now. I mean total responsibility. The pressure that came with that realization was heavy. I would sit and watch Bailey sleep and just think of what I needed to do and change to be successful at this Daddy thing. Nine years later, I’m laying beside her as I type this, just as I have done almost every night of her life, to help her go to sleep. Unlike Georgia, who has mercifully been a good sleeper since birth, Bailey has always needed stuffed animals and coddling and any other thing that makes her comfortable. I keep thinking any day that she’ll grow out of it but I don’t mind it so much because I think I need it sometimes too.
Children get sick. It’s what they do. They run fevers, they have coughs and runny noses, they get strange rashes and bumps and bruises come out of nowhere. That has been the toughest part of being a daddy so far. I’m sure things shift when they start driving and dating and things like that. But so far, my online PHD has been the source of many sleepless nights. But much of that has to do with the protective responsibility you feel as a parent. You always want your kids to feel well and live an overall healthy life. You do whatever you can to ensure that. Sunscreens, bug spray, coats, hats, baby gates, grocery cart covers, reminding them 1,000 times to stay out of the road, you name it. I am overboard at that. We have talked about the hypochondriac in me before. I have created so many nightmare scenarios in my mind over the last 9 years. I put their everything on my shoulders.
Each day has some fun twist that reminds me of how my responsibilities have changed. What happens if I lose my job? What if I can’t pay the bills? What if I get in an accident with them in the truck? What if I take my eye off of them in the grocery store for too long? What if I leave something laying around the house that G puts in her mouth? What if I don’t check on Bailey enough when she’s playing outside? The common theme in that is me dropping the ball somehow. I can’t screw up. There’s a lot of pressure being a dad.
There are positives though, remember? Bailey and I have always been close. She’ll tell you immediately that she’s a daddy’s girl. She likes watching scary movies with me. She has developed my affinity for sports cards. She rides the scary stuff at the amusement park that mommy won’t ride with me. She loves Deftones and Thrice. She drinks Diet Dr. Pepper. She truly likes being with me, at least right now. I know that will change one day and while I’ve really been thankful for her growing independence, I am not prepared for the day she may not need me. I guess it means you’ve done your job when that day comes but it’s not much of a reward.
I’ve started getting that attention from G lately too. She is still a mama’s girl but I keep reminding Alicia that it’s slowly changing. There are certain things that she only wants daddy to do. She wants me to put her in bed at night. She likes “daddy’s truck”. She likes sitting on the couch with me after work while I unwind. She likes to climb and play games but it’s us together. I think she likes our little one on one meals too. We get those from time to time and she is usually very well behaved and content. She really got a kick out of swimming last weekend at PCB. She wanted me to play with her all weekend. We jumped, she rode my back, I threw her in the air and she loved it all. She kept saying “Pool Pool”. It’s those memories that offset the sleepless nights wrought with worry.
We have recently started going fishing as a family. It started pretty hectic and tense. Bailey wants everything her way. Georgia is exploring the boat. Alicia and Bailey fish in the trees a little too much. But this past Saturday I had a moment where G was sitting by me drinking her juice and Bailey was celebrating taking off her own fish and putting her own cricket on the hook and again, it made it all worth it. I want to give my girls every opportunity to enjoy the things that I enjoyed growing up. My dad took me fishing and I thumbed through baseball cards and I watched scary movies. I loved my childhood and have written about it many times. I want them to love theirs one day. I want them to remember me as the dad that got in the floor with them, that took them to some memorable places, that taught them to fish, that held their hand walking around a store, that introduced them to Gremlins and King of the Hill. Most of all, I want them to know that they were taken care of.
There is so much crap that is at their fingertips these days, I want to just focus on the simple, fun memories. They may never get to do everything that other kids do. But they will never question my love for them or their mother. They will not know what it’s like to wonder if daddy will show up for the school program or field day. It breaks my heart to see grown men throw away such opportunities. It breaks my heart more to see little girls (and boys) that don’t feel that love. It’s not fair to them and I don’t want my girls to ever feel that. I wish I could get others to see what I see when I look at my girls when they smile. Sometimes it never clicks with a mom or dad. I don’t understand how that can happen but I’ve seen it time and time again.
Our kids are not burdens. Can they be? Sure, I want a quiet afternoon nap sometimes. I want the TV all to myself. I want to be able to decide what I want to eat and when sometimes. But I made the decision that I was ready to have children. Part of that decision was understanding that it wasn’t going to be about me anymore. We have been over blessed with grandparents that help us out at a moments notice. It’s wonderful for all of us. Alicia and I get to spend time together and our kids get to know their grandparents like we knew ours. I spent as much time as I could at my granddaddy’s and I miss him all the time. I needed that relationship growing up. So do Bug and G. So I can understand that parents that don’t have much help can get overburdened and can feel that it’s just too much. But that doesn’t change what they need from us. They need us to guide them and to show them what love is. Society is not going to teach them what love is or what sacrifice is or what dedication is. That’s for us to do. It’s what we signed up for.
I’m going to do my best to do that. It’s a lot of pressure. Two little people are dependent on me (and Alicia) to understand the world around them. The way they function in and contribute to our world rests on my shoulders for now. Of course, they can go in whatever direction they choose but I will do everything in my power to give them a compass. I admire and respect each and every one out there that does the same. There are some awesome parents that I am friends with and that have helped me through some of the confusing or stressful times. Then there are my parents and in-laws. I don’t have any more answers than the next guy. But I have the heart and I have a tremendous support group around me that helps me have the answers. All of that has given me faith and confidence that I’m doing the right thing. It’s made a daunting task a little easier to live with. And then the little smiles gives me the strength to do it another day.
J-Dub
Perfect…..