Forty-Three

There were times in my life that I thought I’d be lucky to make it to 40 years old. It’s not that I live a rough life or have a dangerous job. But I’ve spent way too many moments wondering how I would make it another year, or week, or day. This isn’t a “whoa is me” post but it is a little glimpse into the life of a man who sometimes feels broken.

I’m pretty hard on myself; this is a fact I live with every day. I didn’t used to be this way. There was a time when I was in my late teens and early 20’s where I thought I had the world by the tail. I was living the dream and nobody could tell me any different. The only thing that mattered was the next 5 minutes. Anything beyond that could be dealt with when the time arrived.

Somewhere around 27-28, things started to change. I was thinking about turning 30 and wondering if I was where I was supposed to be in life. I was married to my high school sweetheart, had a good job, owned my own home, and was following the relatively standard path of growing up. But the growing up part was starting to bother me.

While I was married to my high school sweetheart, that meant that I had someone I had to protect and provide for. I didn’t only have myself to worry about anymore. That good job I had meant that I had to be extremely responsible, a good co-worker, and a trusted advisor. And those qualities would determine whether or not I would keep making the money to provide for the woman at the beginning of this paragraph.

Up until this point, I saw my life playing out much like Dante or Randall in the movie “Clerks”. And I don’t even mean that in a bad way. I thought that would be pretty cool! Just hanging out at a job, clocking in and clocking out, but having fun at every turn. I still dream of owning the worlds last remaining video store; and actually making it successful. I was stuck in that early 20’s mindset, even though I was knocking on my 30’s.

At the age of 30, I had my first child, and a husband morphed into a father. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the feelings that came along with that. A tremendous blessing brought with it a crippling sense of inadequacy. I was an overgrown teenager, flying by the seat of my pants, still staying up late playing video games. Yet, I was now responsible for raising and protecting a tiny human being that I helped create. Whoa….

That was a “straighten up and fly right” moment for me. I was the definition of a “helicopter dad” and it was exhausting. I thought about ALL the things I had done as a kid and remembered every warning I had ever heard. “Don’t put that in your mouth”, “Don’t climb on that”, “Don’t go near those stairs”, “Don’t touch that bug”, “Don’t go out of my sight”, “Is she buckled up”, “Does she have a fever”, “What is that rash”, “WHERE IS SHE?” Like I said, exhausting.

You see, I was no longer your average guy who had a kid. I had slowly been developing an anxiety disorder before she was born. But when she was born, it really blossomed. For the first time in my life, not only was I unsure; I was scared of my own shadow. I just knew that there was no way I could be a successful husband, father, employee, and productive member of society all at the same time. I had lost the confidence I carried around 10 years earlier when I thought I was bulletproof.

I now have 2 children and it’s true that the second child is a little easier because of the experience you gained from the first. But you never lose that pressure of being responsible for a mini version of yourself. I have 3 people in my house that I’m ultimately responsible for. Their safety, the roof over their head, the food on their plate; it’s a direct result of whether I succeed or fail at being who I need to be. I know, it’s dramatic; but it’s something I carry daily.

The contradiction to all of this pressure and self doubt is that I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. My wife is still my high school sweetheart. My oldest daughter is still the first baby I held in my arms that was an extension of me. I’ll never forget the connection I felt. And my youngest daughter is the biggest “Daddy’s Girl” in the world and thinks that I am the King of the World! I couldn’t ask for a more perfect life.

But I can’t slow down enough to enjoy it the way I should. There was a quote on “The Office” finale by Andy Bernard, “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” That can be attributed to many aspects of life but I know that I’ll one day wake up and realize that I spent the “good old days” of my kids growing up being an anxious, obsessive, basket case. They are growing up. I am stricken with fear.

I keep thinking that I’ll eventually snap out of it. And some days seem like daydreams of happiness. Yet, some days I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down because I can’t handle the pressure. But no matter what, I can’t let my guard down. I can’t cave to the pressure. I can’t fight it either; but I can’t let it get the best of me.

In the end, I know that I just need to be rescued from myself. The fears are somewhat natural but I take them and spin them into reality when I don’t have to. It’s like worrying about a storm, but instead of just worrying, you start making plans for what to do after the tornado hits; like it’s a foregone conclusion. Instead of letting life play out, I just prepare for worst case scenarios.

In reality, I know that if I don’t wake up tomorrow, I have done an admirable job raising my kids. They have everything they need and most everything they want. They know that their dad loves them. They know that I would do anything for them. I’ve expressed my feelings with them. They know where I stand. They know that no matter what storms come, I’m there for them to take cover.

I just hope that is enough; whether I make it to 43 next week or live well into my 90’s. I hope that all of this worrying and staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night was for a greater good. I have to believe that I’m doing what’s right. It’s not easy, but if it makes even 1% difference in life, it’s worth it.

J-Dub