Alone In A Theater

Do you ever just sit and try to put your life’s journey on a movie screen inside your head? It’s sometimes difficult to block out the noise around you and just be in that headspace for a moment. Sometimes it only takes a moment, like your life is a movie trailer as opposed to a full length feature. But sometimes you actually get enough clarity to sit and analyze and critique things as if you are seeing it all unfold again before your very eyes.

Have you ever seen that movie and been totally happy? How many times have you walked out of that theater and thought, that’s an award winner? Or have you been more like me and thought, “there sure were some plot holes, bad characters, meaningless scenes, and odd choices by the main protagonist”? There is always something you would have improved about the film if you had the choice. But by the time you watch it, it’s too late. The film on the screen is a real life documentary and the changes you’d like to make are all in hindsight, which they all say is 20/20; whoever “they” are.

A running theme when I sit to watch my own film is one of chaos. An image I see over and over is me walking through a scene towards the camera in slow motion. But the action all around me is moving in real time or, in some cases, almost sped up a tick, making my movements even more sluggish. Sometimes I don’t care; I’m just moving along at what feels like a comfortable pace and everything else is detached from me and independent from my decisions. But sometimes I want to catch up with what’s happening around me but I just can’t seem to move fast enough. It can be a little exasperating.

Then there are moments when the chaos disappears and it looks almost as if I’m walking in space with stars and neon colored nebula around me. It’s very peaceful. It’s almost too peaceful; lonely and quiet. It is clear that the scene is being played out in my mind. It is the place I go to when the chaos has oppressed my thoughts and my vision. It’s a necessity but it doesn’t advance the main storyline, if that makes sense. None of this makes the same sense when I see it in word form as when I am watching the film, but maybe this is the part that was influenced by Guillermo del Toro, who knows. But this interstellar moment always comes when it feels like the bedlam from the previous scene has just about sapped the life out of me.

When I emerge from the galaxy segment, I’m back on the same road as before. But the chaos is gone; replaced now by ashes and rubble. It’s not a scene of despair as much as it feels almost like starting over. But I’m not starting with a blank slate; I’m starting with the remnants of what was destroyed before. I guess the imagery does seem a bit despondent or sorrowful but that’s just the natural order of the events that take place. I want to stay in this moment and breathe but I don’t like the feeling of my surroundings. I need to try and rebuild.

And that is where the chaos slowly begins to appear again, during the rebuild. I add things that are unnecessary because I hope to be this well-rounded and versatile person that can not just be a good person in general. I want to be the best husband, always giving my full attention to providing for my wife. I want to be the best father, being there for every moment of my children’s lives, and guiding them along their path. I want to give all I can to each of them, realizing that my best moments lay in the lives they create for themselves. I want to be a good friend to those who have been good to me. I want to be a good employee that goes to all of the extra-curricular activities and leaves blood, sweat, and tears at the office everyday.

I want to be a great writer; showcasing equal parts knowledge, entertainment, and continuity for readers. I want to be a softball player, a basketball player, a gamer, a horror movie buff, have a nice house, have a nice yard, have a nice vehicle, have knowledge of both 1985 Donruss and 2018 Panini Select, understand the economy, understand the political climate, understand religion, interpret lyrics of deep, meaningful songs, and understand why slow cars drive in the fast lane.

There are a lot of things I want for my life. Some are selfless and some are selfish. I struggle to balance the two. How much do I do for myself, knowing that it sacrifices what I could be doing for someone else? It becomes an either/or very quickly and the consequences of any specific choice result in the previous chaos that led to the desolate road I am walking on now. If I’m selfish, I disregard the people in my life that are important to me. I feel anguish and disappointment in my decisions if they aren’t for “the greater good”. On the other hand, if I am selfless, I carry around bitter feelings because I think that I don’t matter to anyone. I carry around self doubt and emotions about my own worth.

This is when my life slows way down again and everything around me starts to speed up. I can see it and feel it but I think I’ll be able to handle it every time it starts again. I think I’ve learned something from the past and I’ll be able to prioritize and manage. But it’s always a trap. It always leaves me gasping for air and looking for a life raft. The scene that closes the movie is always the same. It’s very similar to the scene from “Shawshank Redemption” when Tim Robbins finally reaches freedom. The imagery is the same but the meaning is different. This is more about me reaching out and grasping for that next scene where things are peaceful and quiet. Because next time, I’ll surely get it right. Won’t I?

J-Dub