Retro Review: The Monsters

As Halloween creeps closer and closer, I find myself binge watching old horror movies and trying to find Haunted Houses to visit. My binge watching got thrown for a loop for the last 3 days because of a Hurricane that was aptly named Michael in the month of October, but that’s a story for another time. But so far this month, I’ve watched Silver Bullet, Halloween 2, Night of the Living Dead, Hell House 2, and a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead. As a man with 2 small kids in the house, that’s no minor feat over a span of 15 days (10 with power). I still have some others on tap for the rest of the month as I dive into the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series’.

All this horror movie watching and planning has me thinking about which monsters I’d least like to face at the end of a dark hallway. It’s also got me thinking about Jamie Lee Curtis but that’s not what this post is about. While I’ve watched some movies and wondered why the main antagonist was feared in the first place, I’ve also watched movies where the mere thought of the creature being real was horrifying. I was never really afraid of Chucky or “The Ghoulies”, but the crazed, zombie-like, virus infected, sprinters in “28 Days Later” make me constantly think about hiding places and quickest escape routes of my home. As a kid, they were all pretty scary but as an adult, it’s easy to draw the line between fantasy and reality. But for the sake of this post, let’s pretend that they are all real. And if they are all real, which ones are contenders and which ones are pretenders?

Michael Myers – There is no better place to start than with Michael Myers. This is a contender without a doubt. He’s not the quickest on this list but he’s ultra stealthy and can hide just as well as he can seek. The mask has always been my favorite among horror villains and he’s always felt the fairly realistic, until he was killed 4-5 times. Contender

Jason Voorhees – He’s definitely one of my favorites and is worthy of any list made for Halloween Monsters. He’s a little quicker than Myers but he’s also a behemoth that doesn’t really on silent kills. He is in your face and you generally know he’s coming before he actually gets you. Aside from that side trip he took to New York that one time, you can usually avoid him if you stay out of the woods and don’t engage in illicit activities. But if you do like the outdoors, you’d better work on your agility when running through the forest; or you’ll wind up on the end of some rusty tool shed implement. Contender

Freddy Krueger – Being totally honest; Freddy has never been scary to me. The premise of being killed in your dreams and it carrying over to real life is frightening but Freddy has always been a little too hokey and jokey for me. The tongue in the phone is a cool visual but we aren’t using many rotary house phones in 2018. His worst kill to me was Johnny Depp in the first movie but most of them are just kinda silly. The overgrown head that is eating people, smashing a TV on somebody’s head, haunting a junk yard? That’s a pass for me. I enjoy the movies but as for being a monster that frightens me? Pretender

Leatherface – Ok, this may be the scariest of them all for me. Because as far as I know, Leatherface is in fact real and keeps to himself in his creepy house out in the middle of nowhere, waiting on some poor passerby to break down. There have been versions of Leatherface that were more goofy than scary, but overall he is a legitimate badass psycho that I can only hope I never bump into. The concept is terrifying because it is the closest to a reality as any of the above killers. Besides Leatherface himself, the entire family is scary as hell! Contender

Zombies – This is a tough one. There are really two main types of zombies that are portrayed in films. One is the original, raised from the dead, clumsy walker that is trying to find “brains”. They lumber along and as Barbara said in the original movie, “we could walk right past them and they’d never be able to get us.” Those are not as scary as the other version. A horde would be difficult but even then, I think you could just avoid them altogether without too much of an issue.

The other version is the crazy running type zombies that we’ve seen in movies like “Zombieland” and the “Dawn of the Dead” remake. These are pretty frightening. I’m not as quick as I used to be and I was never a fast runner, even in my most athletic days. The idea that these blood suckers can track me down in the middle of the street as I try to flee them is enough to make me want to lock myself in my attic. Unfortunately, I don’t know which one of these two types of zombies would be most likely in an apocalyptic setting. Push

Werewolf – Like with zombies, there are multiple variations to werewolves as well. But for the most part, they are all faster than I am and they have sharp teeth and claws. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would be able to take one of these creatures down by myself. I don’t have silver bullets laying around and they don’t seem to be affected by bats or knives. So I’d say my chances of survival are between slim and none. Contender

Vampire – There are only two vampires that have ever been frightening to me. They were in “Fright Night” and “The Lost Boys”. Those vampires were downright scary! But my overwhelming feeling on vampires has always been iffy. On one hand, they can certainly kill me if we get down to the brass tax but there is always a chance that I would turn into one myself. And that’s somewhat of a glass half full/half empty conundrum. I may get some argument on this one but for now; Pretender.

There are plenty more we could debate; like Pinhead, Puppets, Ghosts, Apparitions, etc. But I think we hit the high spots. The good news is that “most” of these things are not real and we’ll never have to find out if we can survive their attacks or not. I’ll let you decide which ones are real and which ones are not. But one thing that I know is real, and related to monsters, is the 1994 Coca-Cola “Monsters of the Gridiron” 30 Card Collector Set. You can thank Rick Brown on Twitter for taking me back to this one. This was a classic mid 90’s set of football superstars that were considered “Monsters” in the NFL. When we started talking about these, I had to revisit them and see if they were as fun as I remember them.

One of my all-time favorite Falcons is Jesse Tuggle. He played his college ball at Valdosta State, where my wife and many of my friends went to college. He then became the best linebacker Atlanta has ever seen! We have certainly had some lean times throughout our franchise history but even when we struggled in the 90’s, Tuggle was so much fun to watch! I included the back of the card for this first one to give you an idea of how the nicknames come into play. I’m sure Zibby would love Jessie “Tarantula” Tuggle!

Cornelius Bennett would’ve been better served being called a werewolf with this card. But the “Big Bear” moniker made sense when I read the back. I don’t really think of a bear as a monster but Bennett surely was. This is one of my favorite cards in the set.

Eric Turner was a stud safety in the 90’s. And this card is perfect for the Cleveland Browns! There are actually a lot of fans in Cleveland who dress like this on Sundays.

This is the biggest superstar in the bunch but what is this costume? It’s not a monster, that’s for sure. Emmitt Smith was no doubt a Contender but this “Lone Star Sheriff” getup is a major Pretender.

This was a pretty cool costume for Pat Swilling. This was during the time of “Sub-Zero” from Mortal Combat and he had a block head that reminded me of something you’d see on He-Man. I really liked Pat Swilling but the fact that he played at both Ga Tech and New Orleans never sat well with me.

Again, this isn’t much of a monster but it fits for Marshall Faulk. This dude was a serious baller and he hadn’t even become a member of the “Greatest Show on Turf” by this time. I was a fan of Edgerrin James but I always wondered how things would’ve turned out if Peyton Manning and Marshall Faulk had played several years together.

I don’t even know what to think of this one. I loved Derrick Thomas but “Attack Cat” leaves a lot to be desired. You can certainly feel the mid 90’s cheesiness with this one. I actually enjoy mid 90’s cheesiness but this one is a miss.

I just had to include this one because……I mean, look at that!

John Randle was a nightmare without a doubt. The face paint, the motor, everything about him made him a scary dude on the field. He was certainly a “Runaway Train!

Much like “Cobra” Coleman, Ronnie Lott tries on reptile scales for his card. This one was pretty decent though. Ronnie Lott was a safety that would absolutely “strike you” if you entered into his territory. He usually didn’t give you a warning though like a real rattler will. I can’t tell if this one is photoshopped or if Lott is somehow coiled in that outfit.

Well, QB Eagles was definitely a “Rocket Man”! He was fast, stealthy, and could sometimes fly! Remember THIS? If you’re ever bored, google “Randall Cunningham highlights” and enjoy the next couple of hours. This 95 yard touchdown pass versus Buffalo was also an unbelievable highlight!

Junior Seau was an amazing linebacker that had the misfortune of playing on a team with Stan Humphries as the QB. Can you imagine Seau with some of these Phillip Rivers teams? Seau was an awesome talent and a man the game misses.

I loved this Tom Rathman card! Rathman was a bit of a “Psycho” on the field and he had no regard for human life as a fullback. Interesting stat: did you know he caught 73 passes one season? I think that is incredible when you think of pass catching backs in today’s game. He was not built like Darren Sproles or Alvin Kamara but when he caught a pass, he made people pay!

So I included this one because it was easily the silliest costume of the set. Cortez Kennedy was a very good defensive lineman but this “Tez Rex” persona made him feel more like a character at a kids birthday party. Can’t you see going to a T-Rex Arcade/Restaurant like Chuck E. Cheese and seeing Cortez come out and dance while your kid blew the candles out on their cake?

This set doesn’t really meet the guidelines to receive an official grade on the Dub-O-Meter scale. It is a fun set and can still be found pretty cheap today. I actually paid $4.99 for this one, unopened. It’s not something that you will find on a collector list looking for BGS 10’s and you won’t find somebody who is trying to find the white whale of the set because there aren’t any SP’s or anything. It’s just an old school oddball set that is fun to sift through from time to time. I’m glad Rick brought this one up because it had totally slipped my mind and there were some cards in the set I didn’t remember. Did you have this set as a kid?

J-Dub

4 thoughts on “Retro Review: The Monsters”

  1. Monsters like Jason, Freddy, and Leatherface freaked me out when I was a kid… but the ones that gave me nightmares were the ones that were semi-realistic like Children of the Corn and The Shining.

  2. Nothing says Monster more than Pat Swilling seeing a Lions uniform…and they gave him a treasured number, #56, of a Lions Hall of Famer, Joe Schmidt, and scared us all by his awful play in Motown.

    Good job.

  3. The Monsters from the movies are downright terrifying but these cards…..wow….I feel about them the way I felt when Reba did the Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials – Did you need the money that bad? Bahaha!

  4. Used to enjoy scary movies a lot as a kid. My wife is terrified of scary movies, haunted houses etc so since we’ve been married I haven’t really got to watch much of it and now if I do it’s a real shock. The most terrifying for me was always Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Growing up here in Texas no matter where you lived you were told”it’s a true story and it happened really close to here!” Nooooooo thanks!!!

    As far as the set, it’s a classic and one of my favorites! I remember trying to put this set together as a kid and only ever getting a handful. About 2-3 years ago I came across the complete set at my LCS and couldn’t buy it fast enough!

    Another great read my friend!

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