Fear has many definitions. It can be a noun or a verb. It can be a feeling or an emotion. It can be concious or subconscious. I think the best definition for me is, “the feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well being of someone.” In this definition, it plainly reads as a feeling. In any case, we all have them. Some more prevalent than others. Some more willing to admit or talk about them than others. But they are there, make no mistake. They change as we get older. Fear is almost like a resistant illness that mutates over time as we fight it.
That mutation runs parallel with our understanding or knowledge of the world and what’s real. When we’re young, it’s things like the boogeyman, the dark and strangers. As teens, we fear school or grades or being accepted or asking someone out. Some fears are not age discriminate and can affect you over your whole life. These are usually phobias of some sort like acrophobia (heights), arachnophobia (spiders) or coulrophobia (clowns). There is a website, Phobia List, dedicated to hundreds of actual named phobias that are pretty unbelievable. There is even a fear of phobias, phobophobia, no joke.
As adults however, our fears have typically grown to “drug resistant” status and can be difficult to cope with. Maybe it’s because we know mom or dad aren’t coming into the room to turn the light on. We generally have a fear of even talking about our fears as adults because it can make us appear vulnerable. You got it, a fear of being vulnerable. This can be more prevalent in the male species as we don’t like admitting to being afraid of anything. I’m going to break that man code with this post because I think fear is a basic human emotion (or feeling) that pushes me every day to be a better person. I don’t mind discussing it. I guess you could say that over time, I have conquered my gelotophobia, or fear of being laughed at or made fun of.
I generally don’t have any tradition phobias, with the exception of a case of germophobia. Heights are exhilarating to me. I think spiders are part of natures balance, just like snakes and alligators, so long as it’s not a black widow or brown recluse. And clowns aren’t really even on my radar. I think I have even reached a point in my life where I am no longer afraid of death itself. It is going to happen, whether it be tomorrow in my softball game (line drive to the face would be an awful way to go, unless we won) or 40 years from now on the golf course while playing for the course record at Bushwood (Caddyshack?). Do I want it to be tomorrow? Not preferably, as I think I have more to learn and experience on this earth. But I’ve come to realize that I am, by and large, not in control and that uncertainty and lack of control actually takes the fear out of it for me.
That actually brings me to my first and most pressing fear – the safety and well being of my family and friends. These are the people that need to be here longer than me. I spend much of my day to day life trying to make sure that I am doing my part to keep the scales tilted in that direction. I think that is a generally accepted practice with any married individual or parent. Not necessarily ground breaking but it is my greatest fear in life. So much so that I don’t really want to spend any more time on this one.
After that, a major fear I have is that of letting people down. This is one that I have battled for many years. I need to do better and better and better every day because stagnation or a step back is not acceptable. Every day, the personal bar gets higher and the fear grows. I am fortunate to have a comfortable, steady job that takes care of my family and our needs. We have a home, food, transportation, pets, toys and anything else we need to live a stable life. The fear attached with maintaining that is overwhelming. I have certain expectations of myself and so do others. A lapse in judgment or blurring of the lines would be devastating for me and could put all of that in jeopardy. As a husband and father, what kind of pressure matches that?
Beyond the professional aspect, there is the personal or social aspect of that fear. I have two daughters that watch every move I make. As dad, I can’t really do anything wrong in their eyes but that’s where the pressure comes from. They think that what I do is the right thing or the right way to something. Every night consists of a mental inventory of the day’s actions and self approval or self regret. The funny thing about self regret is that there isn’t much you can do about it. It’s a sinking feeling that makes you understand how to process in the future but it doesn’t do much in the present.
I am entrusted by many people for many different things. My wife trusts that I am going to take care of her and our children. I work in the financial industry so there’s fiscal trust. I manage employees so they trust my leadership. My friends trust me with their confidence or for advice. To be honest, I am a very fortunate man to have that trust from people. But with that sometimes comes a delusional internal expectation of perfection. Therein lies the fear. Perfection is 100% elusive. I haven’t met perfection and am certain it does not exist on earth. But where in that list do I have the latitude to slip up? I know it’s not realistic but fear is often irrational.
I think it would be safe to say that my biggest fear is myself. That’s right, I am most afraid of me. I’m afraid I’ll let my guard down at work and let something bury me. I’m afraid I will take someone close to me for granted. I’m afraid I’ll forget one day that my kids are watching. I’m afraid I’ll let go for a minute and say something my friends have trusted me with. I’m afraid I won’t be there when Alicia needs me the most. I’m afraid I’ll let the past control my future. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. It’s all me. It’s J-Dubophobia.
There is a silver lining and it’s all that keeps me from crumbling in a heap on certain days. That fear of myself pushes me every day to improve. When you embrace a fear you have, you live it every minute and it makes you fight. When you look your fear in the eyes, acknowledge its existence and give it an identity, it can’t hide from you. That seems to be the first step in conquering a fear, you have to recognize and understand it. The only way to understand the dark is to walk right into it. It took me a while but I think I finally get it. I’m going to let myself down. But I can’t let the periodic failures define me as a man. Ultimately, you are defined by your heart, your intentions, your growth. Maybe this fear is a part of that growth. Maybe it’s just one of the demons I’ll have to live with. Either way, the most certain way I have learned to cope with fear is to talk about it. So, I won’t hide from that.
J-Dub