Friendly Conversation

  After our softball tourney Saturday, me and The Zib had some deep conversation over nachos at El Maya.  Chicken for Z and Texas Fajita for Dub – no veggies for either.  That’s not the point but I thought it might be of interest.  We talked about the lack of veggies, banana peppers, math, biology teachers, uncomfortable moments and basic human psychology.  The conversation eventually led to what we look for in friends, what we expect from a friendship and what generally leads us to know when someone is real or not.  It was really quite thought provoking but I found myself just talking without needing to think.  I knew what those things were to me but I was verbalizing them and listening to someone else with the same overall thought process.  It did make me realize some things though.  1) I look at friendship completely different than I did 20 years ago.  2) Maybe we are all looking for generally the same things in a friend.  3) My friend list shrinks as I grow older.  4) Zibby has a better understanding of people than I did at almost 17.

When I was 17, friendship to me was consumed by pranks, one upsmanship (it’s a word I think) and generally shitty behavior towards each other.  Seriously, my best friends were the target of some of my worst behavior.  I took the old saying “I kid because I care” waaaay too seriously.  It’s a little embarrassing to look back on but the feelings were quite mutual.  I am going to assume that the statute of limitations (“It’s statue” ~ Kramer) is up on all of this as I type it but in the event it’s not, let’s just say this piece is for entertainment purposes and I admit to nothing.  A few examples of my appreciation for my friends may be in order to properly convey how my thoughts on friendship have changed over the years.

I guess we should start with sleepovers.  We had lots of these.  My parents went to Fort Gaines almost every weekend so I had the boys over for video games and movies on the regular.  We always tried to stay up all night.  To honor the tradition, we had a special punishment for the first one to fall asleep.  We would create a “concoction” who’s ingredients would vary from time to time but always became generally the same finished product.  We would take a plastic cup and combine everything we could find – ketchup, mustard, pickle juice, dog food, jelly, smashed vegetables, you name it.  If it was in the house, it went in the cup.  Those contents usually got poured on top of the lucky sleeper.  If they were REALLY lucky, we would hold them down and try to make them drink it.  Good times!  Can you imagine doing that as a grown up? We do live in quite the litigious society after all.  I’m pretty sure a hodie wedgie by definition falls under assault.  Second time hodie wedgie has made an appearance.  I’m still not sure the statute of limitations even protects me from defining it so we’ll move on again and leave you wondering.

I don’t know what made us do those things to each other.  Maybe we were taking out our frustrations on each other because we knew we couldn’t get away with it with the general public.  It actually made us closer too, which is pretty twisted.  I even cost (partially) one of my best friends his jobs one time.  Let me state clearly that he hated it and was looking for a reason to quit.  The infamous golf cart incident.  Russ was employed at the local golf course and had the responsibility of pulling the pins after dark.  After a shift at the Video Superstore, I decided I’d pitch in.  I couldn’t turn down riding around in a golf cart at night.  We turned the event into a race after only two holes and as we careened toward the third hole, I decided on a short cut.  Unbeknownst to me, the area around the third green was under repair and roped off.  Russ claims he called out to me but I heard nothing.  I hit a rope, head high, at full speed, in the dark.  My face smashed into the steering wheel and the roof of the cart was ripped clean off.  I bled all over the green as I tried to figure out what happened.  I came too on the putting green near the cart garage as Jim and Russ tried to put the roof back on, in vain.  We went back to his house, covered my face in ice and never breathed a word of it to anyone…..until now.  Surely 22 years is long enough right?  The next day, as he tried to explain the destroyed cart and blood on the 3rd green, he threw in the towel.  At that time, I didn’t care that he was without income.  The only real regret I had was that I didn’t get to see people’s reactions as they tried to figure out the blood trail on the green grass.  That is a moment that would have easily written right into Caddyshack.

I’ve obviously grown up over the last couple of decades.  I’ve also naturally gravitated away from those people and towards people that are more like minded to my 39 year old persona. I wouldn’t trade those days for anything and will forever consider those friends a part of who I am but I guess I’ve moved on.  I still like a good prank but they are much more good natured now.  They are usually followed with a pat on the back or a hug as I offer an apology and assure them it was a joke.  The laughs are good but what I really want in friendship is trust and respect.  I want to be able to talk with my closest friends about my darkest secrets and not be judged or wonder when they are going to pull out the info in public for the giggles.  Some things really are sacred and are only shared when we need to get things off our chest or when we need some assurance.  That’s where trust is important.  I talk to my friends when others don’t need to know what’s going on.  I’ve tried to walk around with things bottled up but that’s not healthy – see my thoughts on overthinking.  You slowly learn who you can trust and generally find yourself talking more and more to those people.  It’s natural because they give you a sense of security that you can’t find in most people you meet.  Gossip is a way of life now and some like to be the first person to share “new info”.  Those people thrive on your vulnerabilities and it gives them power in the relationship.  When I learn who these people are, the circle closes with them on the outside.

Respect is the other major component I look for.  This can be very broad.  Respect can be understanding when I need time alone or when I need someone to prop me up.  The best friends in life have a knack for knowing when to be there.  They’re just there.  They’re not overbearing but you can feel them there.  In turn, you find yourself being drawn to them when they are in a time of need.  You just feel it and know that you should make yourself available.  It’s a feel thing; natural.  When you have to try too hard, it’s not there.  When you find yourself always giving or being the one that always sacrifices, it’s not there.  At this point in my life, plastic friendships have a way of weeding themselves out over time.  That’s not to say there aren’t a lot of nice people who I call pals or buds out there.  But true friendship has a feeling all its own.  It’s so much more than it used to be.

That’s also part of the reason the numbers dwindle over time.  Friendship takes a commitment.  It’s not about you or me.  It’s about y’all or us.  It’s about caring more about the other person in the relationship than we care about ourselves.  Again, that comes naturally when the feeling is mutual.  It’s easier to care for someone you know cares about you, right?  While I feel like we did, I can’t swear that my friends and I in high school cared as much about each other as what we might could do for each other.  Number one red flag in my opinion is basing your friendship off of what that person can do for you.  It’s not always easy to see when you are doing that but eventually those thoughts or feelings become prevalent when given the chance.  Those relationships ALWAYS end in dissapointment because they’re not mutually beneficial.  In life, you get what you put in.  Friendship is no different.  But “putting in” with a real friendship is not work.  It’s an organic give and take that is expected but not something that you have to focus on.  It’s just comfortable.  A friend is comfort to me.  

So I found myself sitting there with a true friend, talking about other true friends and what made them special to me.  I realized how far I had come and how that understanding of friendship has made me so much more comfortable in life.  I know who I can depend on.  I know who can depend on me.  And that’s really all I need.  Life is going to throw some pretty rough stuff at you.  You can’t handle it alone either.  But you don’t have to have a contact list busting with friends to conquer it.  As long as you have the right friends, you don’t have to have a lot of friends.