A Blog About Nothing

  I’ve been struggling today with whether to write a serious piece to get some things off my chest or whether to try and lighten my mood with something fun.  I’ve opted for fun thanks to the Facebook marathon that Ashley and I have been having over the Seinfeld quotes.  I’ve talked music, movies, hobbies but I haven’t touched on the single greatest television series in history.  It’s a series that people either love or hate.  There isn’t much in between.  That’s probably because those of us that love it spend our time quoting it and snickering at inside jokes that seem juvenile to those who aren’t familiar.  If you are one of those that hate it, this is probably not for you.  If you love it or aren’t very familiar, pull up a chair and let’s talk about it.

For those of you who aren’t overly familiar with the show and premise (and there are some out there), let’s get some housekeeping out of the way.  Seinfeld was a sitcom that began airing in 1989 and starred comedian Jerry Seinfeld as himself.  In simple form, it followed his daily life in New York with his three close friends; Elaine Benes, George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer.  The show ran for 9 seasons and covered every inane thing you can imagine.  When you really break down some of the episodes, you could question why everyone can’t make a sitcom about their lives.  But Seinfeld nailed it in a way that could never be matched.  The character development in the show remains second to none.

  First, there was Jerry.  As one of the main characters and namesake of the show, the story centered around his job as a comedian, his apartment in New York and his relationships.  He was usually the voice of reason among his group of friends, which was not saying much.  He had some very unique characteristics such as his germophobia, which was highlighted by his inability to continue dating a woman, even though that woman was Kristin Davis, who unknowingly brushed her teeth with a toothbrush he knocked into the toilet.  To pay him back, she locked him out of his apartment and when he got in, told him that she had placed one of his things in the toilet.  Jerry lost his mind throwing things out left and right only to find out it was the toilet brush.  He also ended a relationship when he found an anti fungal cream in a girlfriends medicine cabinet, later to find out it was for her cat.   

 A running theme on the show was how small meaningless things could end his relationships.  He could not remember Deloris’ name and instead called her Mulva when the hint was “it rhymes with a female body part.”  He dated a beautiful woman that had man hands.  He lost out on Teri Hatcher when he sent Elaine into the sauna to find out if her breasts were real.  “They’re real, and they’re spectacular.”  He dated a virgin and lost her when she found out he was competing with his friends to see who truly was “master of their domain.”  He lost respect for one of his girlfriends when he found out that Newman had dated and dumped her in the past.  He dated a model at one point but she dumped him when she caught him in a nose pick at a red light.  “Are we not human?  If we pick, do we not bleed?”  He dated a masseuse who refused to give him a massage.  He dated Donna Chang, who was an American woman who spoke in Chinese proverbs and lingo.  He dated a woman who walked around the apartment naked and it eventually turned him off.  The one woman that he really hit it off with turned out to be just like him.  They got engaged but later broke it off when they realized they were identical. 

 One of his prior girlfriends was Elaine Benes, another one of the main characters on the show.  They remained friends, even though they tried to be friends with benefits in one episode, with disastrous results.  Elaine had several steady boyfriends but none more serious that David Puddy.  Puddy was my favorite non-main character.  One of my favorite episodes was where Puddy was a car salesman and Jerry used the relationship to try and lock down the insiders deal.  However, Puddy developed a bad habit of asking for high fives during the episode, which led to a breakup between him and Elaine in the middle of Jerry’s deal.  George was supposed to be on hand to help combat the sales tactics of adding undercoating and rust proofing but his day was derailed by a mechanic who stole a twix from him.  This led to arguments over which candy had nougat, which had caramel and which had a cookie crunch culminating in a candy bar lineup to try and trick the mechanic.  I did mention inane in the intro right? 

 Much like Jerry, Elaine had several interesting relationships.She dated Crazy Joe Davola, who took photos of her with telescopic lenses and developed them in his apartment.  She also dated Keith Hernandez, Tim Whatley (the label maker), Joel Rifkin (the serial killer), Lloyd Braun (George’s sworn enemy) and Brett (Desperado).  She also had several interesting jobs.  She’s spent some time at Pendant Publishing where her boss eventually fell for her due to kavorka.  She assisted in the ultimate bankruptcy of the company thanks to Jujy Fruits.  She also becomes an assistant for Mr. Pitt.  She eventually is fired from that job because she is accused of trying to kill Mr. Pitt after she is added to his will.  Her most memorable job was with J. Peterman as a catalog writer.  This job led to several memorable moments such as when she ate a 2,000 year old piece of cake, she was unable to travel due to poppy seed muffins causing a failed drug test, she took over the company when Peterman had a nervous breakdown but was later fired when he came back and she proclaimed her hatred for the movie, The English Patient. 

 Then there was Kramer, the aloof neighbor who was known for busting in to Jerry’s apartment on a regular basis.  Kramer had very few publicized relationships, although he carried himself as a ladies man.  He also did not have many jobs, with the exception of H&H Bagels, which was only discovered after a 12 year strike came to an end.  His employment lasted only a few days after the strik ended before he had enough.  He was well known for his business ideas that never panned out.  He wanted to open a restaurant where you could make your own pie.  He and Morty (Jerry’s dad) tried to push the beltless trenchcoat.  He and Newman tried selling old records and also tried to create a way to successfully transport empty bottles to Michigan where they could collect .05 cents each.  He invented the Bro/Mansier, a bra for men.  He successfully wrote a coffee table book about coffee tables.  My favorite was his creation of Kramerica Industries in which he obtained an intern from NYU to help him develop a bladder system for oil tankers to end oil spills.  This didn’t pan out as their testing of the prototype (simply a rubber ball from George’s company, Play Now) ended another of Jerry’s relationships (Helllllooooo.). Kramer was constantly inventing and scheming. 

 My favorite character was George Costanza.  George was a short, stocky, bald guy who lived with his parents for most of the series.  He was a very unlucky individual who was afraid of most everything.  He had a wide range of jobs including the job at Play Now where he fooled his bosses into thinking he was handicap, scoring his own bathroom and rascal scooter.  He also worked for Pendant with Elaine for a brief time until he was caught having relations with the cleaning lady.  Then for a while, including during one of the most memorable episodes, Festivus, he works for Kruger Industrial Smoothing.  His most successful job was as the assistant to the traveling secretary with the New York Yankees.  The portrayal of George Steinbrenner and their interaction was a treasure trove of comedic value.  At every job, he either attempted to get out of work or provided terrible ideas.  He once had a shelf under his desk built at Yankee Stadium so he could nap during the day.  Also, with the Yankees, he proposed the team switch to cotton jerseys for comfort, which ended up shrinking after the first wash.  Of course, he may be most famously remembered as a wanna be architect by the name of Art Vandelay.

George was a part of many memorable moments on the show.  Here are a few of the funniest:

• Festivus – his father created a holiday that was anti-commercial and consisted of only a metal pole, airing of grievances and feats of strength.  A classic episode.
• The high score – he held the high score on a frogger machine in a pizza joint from high school.  His attempts to transport the machcine while leaving it hooked up was priceless.
• Shrinkage – one of Jerry’s girlfriends walked in on him right after he had gotten out of the pool.  Enough said.
• 12 Steps – he refused to let an old acquaintance advance in the 12 step program until he apologized for a joke about George’s big head.  This ultimately led to George entering anger management.
• He double dipped a chip at a funeral.
• He ran over Bette Midler at home plate in a coed softball game.
• He fought over the proper way to pull into a parking space.
• He killed his fiancée because he bought cheap wedding invitations get had poisonous glue.
• He tried to cheat on his fiancé  with Marisa Tomei.

I could go on and on about great George moments.  I could go on and on about the whole series but these are some of the most memorable episodes and stories for me.  There are so many more characters like Babu Bhatt, Third Person Jimmy, the low talker, the close talker, the sidler, Frank and Estelle Costanza, The Mandlebaum’s and Uncle Leo.  There are countless classic episodes like The Chinese Restaurant, The Merv Griffin Show, The Bizzaro Jerry, The Opposite.  I watched it in the 90’s, I watch it in syndication today and own all of the seasons on DVD.  I can quote the episodes pretty much on command.  It’s a sad commentary to be honest.  But Seinfeld will go down as quite possibly the greatest TV show ever.  It will for me at least.

Joey